You have been trapped in their claws for a long time, and they gained full control over you. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually, socially, financially and every other way you can think of. Somewhere along the way it felt like you lost yourself. Almost ceased to be yourself. This person you once were feels gone. Disintegrated. I hate to say it, but you are right. But now they are losing their grip on you, and you are close to being rid of them for good. Maybe you are already rid of them. They are out of your life, never to return. This is a thing to be celebrated, no? You can finally relax and live life on your own terms. Now everyone will understand what they were like, what you have been through and how hard it was. Unfortunately, it does not work like that. I wish it did, but it does not.
When the narcissist starts feeling their grip is loosening things will start to happen. You are breaking free. For the narcissist this is beyond offensive. How dare you stand up for yourself and break free? They own you, hide and hair, and can do whatever they please to you. At least in their opinion they can. They are playing a game of cat and mouse with you. The cat would show the mouse mercy in the end and kill it. The narcissists will never do that. That means the end of the game, they won’t have anyone to make them feel better about themselves and their food supply would thus end. Now you are breaking free, or already has. And now they are hellbent in destroying you. You are of no value to them anymore, their toy is broken, and now they want to annihilate and destroy you. And the narcissist will stop at nothing to accomplish their goal.
There are things you need to be aware of and watch out for. Understand something; In their mind they OWN you. They have worked hard to teach you, mould you and get you where they want you. Which is in their total control and under their heel. And now you have the audacity to get back up? To the narcissist this is scarier than you know. Now it will become vital to the narcissist to get their side of the story out before you start blabbing. Before you start telling the truth. And if you do they need to make damn sure that nobody believes you. So, they will start a vicious smearing campaign against you and your good reputation. What is left of it anyway. They need to change people’s view on you and make sure nobody believes you. Deniability and avoiding taking responsibility for their actions is important to the narcissist. For in their minds, they did nothing wrong. They have the right to do, say and treat you in any way they see fit. But by now they know they have lost and their control over you is gone. The smearing campaigns are always used by abusers for what they consider to be premeditated damage control in anticipation of exposure.
Do not fool yourself, because the narcissist will take this task extremely serious. The parts of the story that can reflect on them or reveal what they are like is parts they will do everything in their power to control and change. The narcissist’s goal is to get people’s attention away from them and over to you. They want people to believe they were victimized and not you. That you are in fact the villain here, not them. So they will project their personality traits over on you. They have no problem lying, twisting facts around and telling half the story. And some parts will be left out completely. All of this is designed to make you look like a liar should you have the audacity to tell the truth. They cannot afford for the truth to come out. If the world knows the truth about who and what they are their chances for finding a new victim to feast upon will dwindle into nothing. Their weapon of choice is often verbal and psychology. Mind games. Do not make the mistake of underestimating the narcissist. They have years of experience in perfecting their effect on people. And now they are pulling out all their heavy weaponry to attack you and blow you out of the water. The narcissist will systematically try to dismantle your relationships, reputation, emotional, physical and spiritual health, your life and even your very soul. They will never feel guilty, and they will never see anything wrong with what they have done. Do not try to convince people that this person is abusive. You will look vindictive, mean and the narcissist will turn to others and say “I told you. Look at them and how mean they are.”
What can you do to protect yourself from this evil smearing campaign and annihilation you are subjected to? I do have some advice for you. I urge you to make notes, you do not want to forget these things.
• DO NOT ENGAGE! You will undoubtedly hear a constant stream of lies coming from their mouth. This is someone that claimed to love you, and therefore it hurts. You may feel humiliated, foolish, embarrassed, exhausted and even furious. As much as you are tempted to beg them to stop, fight back or argue with them, you must not engage. They are baiting you again. Trying to get a reaction from you so that they have proof that you are crazy, delusional and out to get them. They will make themselves look like the victim and you the villain. Stay silent so you don’t give them any ammunition. This does not mean you approve or agree. It is just important you raise yourself above their petty games. Be better than them. This will in time cause people to realize how childish the narcissist really are.
• PICK YOUR BATTLES! Never try to disprove every allegation and lie. You must decide what is worth your time, energy and focus. Which you sooner or later will discover isn’t much. Let the rest go. Many of the allegations and lies they put out there will be so vague and masterfully constructed to be very hard to prove as lies. So do yourself a favour – Don’t try! While defending yourself, keep focused on disputing the untruths with indisputable facts. Bring physical proof to the table.
• DO NOT GET PERSONAL! Trying to prove your case by speaking ill of or to the narcissist will give them the ammunition they need to portray you as vindictive and mean. And their attempts to look like your victim will be strengthened. I also recommend you to not openly refer to them as a narcissist. That will reflect poorly on you. Your best course of action is to avoid labels, let their actions speak for themselves and do not engage in personal attacks. Always conduct yourself professionally.
• KNOW YOUR TRUTH! They will try to confuse you and make you unsure of what is true or not. But there will be times when you will doubt yourself. They are out for revenge on you, and they may claim you are out to destroy them. They will claim many things, verbally and non-verbally. It is important you know your truth and you stick to it come what may.
• DECREASE COMMON LINKS! Mutual friends must go. They may become flying monkeys or informants for the narcissist to further the narcissist’s wanting to inflict damage. If mutual friends do not want to pick a side then make the choice for them. Cut all contact with the narcissist and cut all ties to them. Block them on Facebook, avoid going to places you used to frequent with them and risk bumping into them. Even if that means a family event.
Last, but not least, there is something you should be aware of. Something the narcissist may never think of. And if they do they will still believe you never have the courage to actually do so. There may be legal steps you can take against the narcissist. Your first step is to consult with a lawyer. Ask them what you can do and you might want to bring evidence and/or witnesses.
– You might be able to file a defamation lawsuit against them because of the smearing campaign and sue for financial compensation for the damages done by the smearing campaign, depending on how serious it is.
– You request that offending material is removed from websites and other media outlets.
– You can possibly send a cease-and-desist letter that provides notice that legal action may and will be taken if the conduct in question continues. Such letters are usually written by a lawyer. It is a warning of sorts.
A narcissist will not wake up, change or learn a better way of being. This is who they are. The person you once met, the person you loved, never really existed. It was all an illusion to lure you in. A mirage so you would be drawn to them. You will look back and wonder when they changed. They did not change. What happened was that when you were hooked enough, and under enough control, they showed you their true selves. Their real colours. A narcissist has no empathy and will always put their needs and wants before anyone else’s. A narcissist doesn’t know how to love. They have no interest in learning either. So how were they able to fool you? How did you mistake their feelings for love? First and foremost, you need to understand that they had no feelings for you to begin with. Your feelings were real, and you meant it when you told them you loved them. A narcissist is an expert at mimicking emotions. Because they are such good observers, they know how it is supposed to look and make others feel. The person you love does not exist. The sooner you realize that the better. I know you were fooled and lied to. You were taken advantage of and used in the most gruesome way imaginable. They picked you apart piece by piece until there was nothing left. That is what it feels like, is it not? But that is just another one of the narcissist’s illusions. There is something left. There is plenty left. That is why you managed to break with the narcissist and leave. You took yourself back and are walking away. That takes more strength and power than the narcissist can ever hope to have. You woke up from the slumber they put you in and now you see them for who and what they truly are. A small and weak person. A horrible person that does not deserve a second of your time and none of your energy.
Lena Kristin Olsen 